The Price of Change

It can be hard, when you feel both the same and different. I see the changes, what is needed, but I still fall and then berate myself for doing so. I am in the constant pursuit of growing, learning and building new things, but I also can quickly go back to who I was, and that awareness, knowing is hard. Change means growing, but it also means going back to old habits and having to pick yourself back up again. It is painful, to be so aware but not fully changed. I am outgrowing myself, constantly changing and evolving but then I go back to old ways.

But I am not afraid anymore, I know that this change is freedom, that I am becoming my most authentic self, but it takes time and means getting back up again and again. I am trying to not be afraid of change, leaving my old ways, the ways which have served my fears for so long, leaving them behind to find something new. Create something new. Leaving behind the version that was created out of fear and anxiety. 

I am shedding layers, layers of fear, layers of control, layers of people, layers of validation and need. Creating the life of my dreams. The shedding is hard, it takes work, it means getting back up when I fall down over and over again. I am releasing what once served me but no longer does. I am bringing in warmness, love, deepness and authenticity. I no longer have time to unpack other people's world in the same way. I am trust me. I trust what I feel, I no longer abandon myself for others. First and foremost, I am learning to come back to me. 

Shedding, growing, changing, returning, it is all painful. Becoming aware of the control, of the need, the desperation, it is so confronting, but the more you return back to it, change from it, the greater freedom, contentment, joy you will feel. 

Understanding that this is a journey, a difficult painful journey at that, but that it is ok to fall but then get back up, try again, and again, and again.

That is when the evolution can truly begin.