Defining My Beauty

I want to define my own beauty. What being beautiful means to me. 

Learning to find my intuition that has always been there but has been drowned out by all the noise, the noise of the ego, the noise of other opinions, the noise of the world around me.

I am learning not to abandon myself so quickly, that the person that needs taking care of the most right now is me, not them, me. It was never my job to fix them, to make them better, stronger, happier, when that meant losing myself in the meantime. 

To conform to who they taught me to be, who I was required to be, to be loved, to be worthy. I am learning that to come back to myself, to put myself at the centre, means I can give more than I ever could before.

I am learning to re-wire my brain to focus on abundance, not lack. Quality, not quantity. Re-wiring when I feel lost, instead of looking outwards, coming back, going inwards. Watching, understanding, being with whatever comes up. The wave. The wave of so many emotions.

The feeler, the healer, the fixer, it is not my job anymore to help them in order to receive the love and validation I so crave. This fixation, on love, on validation, on need. I am shedding this, trying to shed these long formed ideas. Allowing those urges, emotions, needs, to flow through me and come back. Not berating them for being there in that wild mind of mine, but allowing them to take flight, to soften, to slowly fade through me.

Today I am choosing different, but if I slip or fall back into my learnt behaviours. I will be kind, I will be understanding, I promise. But I will come back. Back to this. The constant journey of learning, improving, healing. I will come back I promise. I will try again and again. I am redefining what success means to me, what beauty means to be, what healing means to me. To redefine means to make it yours, not redefining for anyone else's benefit but solely your own.

To redefine my goals, my needs, my aspirations. Sitting with them, understanding if they resonate in my body, the words, the feelings, the need. Not rushing or needing the fix right away, but understanding that life is a journey and this healing is such a big part of it. For me anyway. 

So when you feel like you are about to abandon yourself, come back.

Return to yourself. This could look like putting a guided meditation on, going for a walk, screaming into a pillow, just something to move the energy and calm the mind, put on music or journal. Anything. Just return.

Note what you are feeling, what you wish to act on, in your head, on a piece of paper. What are you looking for and why? What do you need in this moment. Why? I find writing this down the best way so you can truly see it in front of you.

Breathe with it. Allow it. Slow down. As someone with a wild brain, someone's who's brain moves fast, this is so difficult, so painful in the moment. 

Maybe you act on the urge, maybe you don't, but the awareness, the awareness you start to develop, this is the real change, the real development.

Lets say you did sit with it, allowed it to flow. Went back over those thoughts a little later. What do you feel now, now the emotional wave has seeped through you. What do you feel?

This exercise. This is trust, this building, coming back to youself again and again. Welcome to the work, the tiny changes leading to this bigger life, this life that is about you, not them, you. About your growth, your change, your intuition.

This life changing work. Showing that the smallest, tiniest actions can turn into the biggest changes of all.